What do Shamwow and Daoism have in common?

So many things have happened! Some fiscal some not. One of the non-fiscal items on my menu today is perhaps the biggest news ever in life. But we shall get to that later. First off I must say that we have a new president. That's right folks. I was very confused as I watched the inauguration because I saw Mr. Obama and that very bland man holding their hands up and I could not help and think: "When are they going to high five?" They never did "high five" and to be honest I was disappointed. But my good friend soon explained to me that he was "oathin' it up." I felt quite silly then and I made a nervous laugh.

But on to why you're here: your fiscal situation. WaMu is a scam. Wells Fargo is better. Your best bet is keeping money under your mattress. If you live in the woods like I do (I'm a proud Daoist!) you are often running from forest fires or wolves or wild jackals and you forget to get your money. My life savings has been lost 17 times this way. But you know what, it really is worth it. When you see the hungry look in that jackal's eyes, you can't help but think: "Wow. I could be looking into the dead and cold eyes of a WaMu employee. This jackal is my ol' college room-mate compared to them!" Even though the neighborhood kids think I'm an ol' Boo Radley, I tell them that their lemonade stands are not going to get them anywhere fiscally, so I take (or rather seize!) the lemonade and I drink it all!

Ah, yes! The most important news ever in life:

The Shamwow guy is getting married. O.M.G.

I was watching Leno and this card named Jimmy Fallon (He did a movie with Latifah)

said that Mr. Terrence L. Shamwow is getting married.

This is fiscally inappropriate. The Shamwow business is booming now... but really?

He cannot fiscally support his wife.

No. No. No.

I am appalled.

I'm just here to help you with your fiscal situation.

My Fiesta Day

Today is fiesta day. If you are confused at what I mean by this, it's o.k. Fiesta day is everything that other days are not. It is the day for possibilities, the day for social experiments : the day for salsa and slang. Oh hey? What do you mean by salsa? That sounds exotic? What does it look like? I'll save you the 10 seconds of your life searching for salsa on wikipedia and spare you a picture:

Just my pet Alfo (Alfonso) enjoying salsa. LOL what a tool!

But really fiesta day is my life. I also like to use "slang" on this blessed day as well. I will use some in a paragraph for you:

Today I was with my tool Alfo, and he dared to call me an arsewipe. Then I told that schwine that that's bollocks and he's just upset and he's talking out of his wazoo. Then I looked back and saw him light my pad on fire. WIZARD! Yampy old bastard. Damn commie.

This is based on a true story. Even though Alfo is the biggest crack-whore in the world, I guess he's still my cuz in the end. 

Overall, it's been a great fiesta day. I hope you participate as well.

Catch you on the flip side, I suppose.

An Oddity Named Destino. And an Odd Liza Minnelli.

Sometimes I see movies that bring a tear to my eye. But sometimes not. Cinema is not what it used to be, but now it's even better with artistic films like the Hannah Montana movie. Miley (or rather Hannah) has a 67 year old boyfriend and she is starting to resemble a young Liza Minnelli. I have photographic evidence:

A 15 year-old Miley

A young Liza Minnelli

It's pictures like this that really make me want to give her a knuckle sand*which. 

Since we're on the subject of Disney cracktors and visionaries here, let's talk about ol' Wally Disney's company. Who in their right mind would release a "classic" like "the Country Bears," but not release a short that the artist, Salvador Dali, made for Walt himself?

It's no lie. I was at the LACMA a bit ago at the Salvador Dali exhibit and came across an oddity. An oddity named Destino. Dali made the short "Destino" for Disney, but it was never released because Disney didn't "have the money." I get being fiscal, but that's just ridic.  Only now has Disney released it, but still, the popularity and attention is not all there.

He was probably too busy building himself a theme park. But the fact of the matter is: I am bringing the short to light!

DESTINO!

Authors are nuts

Hello. I saw something the other day that perturbed me. A LOT. Here it is: Friedrich Nietzsche one said, "Man is the cruelest animal." ohh puhhlleeeezzz. I think Mr. Nietzsche is terribly mistaken. He said: animals, when he really meant: MAMMALS. He commonly forgot that men come from the species: Mammalia, but it's a pretty terrible mistake. By :cruelest, one can infer that he probably meant to say: COOLEST. "Man is the coolest of mammals." That's what the quote should read. 

Now I know what you're thinking: what does this have to do with being fiscal?

Well: everything and nothing. 

Friedrich Nietzche was a nutzo so he probably wasn't frugal. He got his produce from the market instead of the sie of the road. But hey Nietzche: Izz all good in da hood.

Henry David Thoreau once said: "Do not hire a man who does your work for money, but him who does it for love of it."

Mr. Thoreau was OBVIOUSLY never the bread winner. He cared about happiness more than fiscalaciousness. dayum straight.

I see where these people come from, but in the end I have to disagree.

The Bear Market + Sinatra

Hello. Spring is in the air, the birds are squaking, the flowers are in full bloom...

AND THE STOCK MARKET IS OUTTA THIS WORLD!

The subject of the stock market is a sore one, but it is one that must be addressed. Dow Jones can rot for all I care, but S&P 500 is sure to make a come-back. Why? Well why not. In 2007 the company was the cause of the second bear market of the 21st century. For those of you who don't know, the bear market is when a man (or rather bear!) named Madoff robs you of everything including your spouse. For some the

 spouse robbery is not a problem. I'm pretty darn sure that Maury Povich is counting the days until the next bear market so he can be rid of that horrible Connie Chung. 

On a different note: Frank Sinatra.

I have noticed in my travels that Frank Sinatra has eaten just about everywhere in the New York City area. He is the only person that New Yorkers care about. I saw in a pizza shoppe a sign that said Frank Sinatra ate there, and then a picture of Vanilla Ice at the same restaurant.

I have kept a tally of how many restaurants celebrities have been to:

Sinatra: 9,000

Vanilla Ice: 1

Carrot Top: N/A

Tokio Hotel: I can't count in German 

Obviously these are the only celebrities that matter in the world. 

I bet Frank Sinatra never had to pull out his Zagat, he just went wherever the wind took him. If Zagat and WaMu ever teamed up, well let's just say Mayor Villaraigosa would have his hands full.

Sometimes I just feel like this guy------------------------------> 

What does this mean?

Concerned,

Your Fiscal Friend

The Black Plague and My Old Friend

Hello my fiscal friends! Sometimes I like to play jokes on friends. Sometimes I don't. I am quite gullible and my mishaps do make me the talk of the message boards. For example, I once tricked my friend Gerard into thinking I had the Bubonic Plague! See, Gerard warned me about petting the squirrels in the park and feeding them the remnants of my parfait, but of course I never paid attention to this. He started hyperventilating and I sighed. I said, "Oh Gerard, first you were cursed by being named Gerard and now you are a hyperventilating freak." Turns out I did have the Bubonic Plague, I just have a FAB immune system, but nonetheless, Gerard caught it too. Gerard was gone later that week. I suspect this is what happened of course, because I don't see why Gerard would stop talking to me and have his apartment cleaned out. I reminisce about Gerard a lot and hope that his Bubonic death was a thrill for him. One day as we were on our scooters, he told me a secret. I am ready to share this secret with the world. This is the secret: he only used me for my fiscality. I was appalled, but I told him, "We are friends through and through." 

Many people use me for my fiscality. If you are reading this, you are arrested for this crime as well. I may be fiscal, but that does not mean I'm flippin' out about the economy all the time. Sometimes I like to go to my local Ben & Jerry's or put a bit more granola on my parfait, you know, "livin' it up." This apparently is the reason I was rejected from spots for editorial writing at Forbes, The New Yorker, and the New Yolker. The New Yolker was a magazine for the fiscal farmer and since I grew up in the grasslands of northern Russia, I was confident I would land the job. I would yolk and yolk and yolk. I had to pay 50 rubles to get to this stinkin' land so I could write for the New Yolker. Now my dreams are crushed. But ya know what? I wouldn't have it any other way.                           

Advil+John Malkovich=Tokio dress up

Hello my fiscal friends! I see you have come back to another magic carpet ride with me. Today's fiscal topic is sickness. I'm talking the serious stuff: the common cold. I have been possessed by this monstrosity many times including now. Sometimes I hope that God will heal me, but then that doesn't look too good so I take 1+ Advil (singular: Advi?). I had to cancel my session at the local pottery barn to make a cheese dish out of clay. Looks like Ma's not getting a mothers day gift! Instead I strayed from my frugal ways and splurged (keep in mind I was not in the right mind set)! I went onto my local itunes and discovered many movies! The first I watched was "Burn After Reading." I enjoyed the ruggedness of George (Jorge?) Clooney's beard. However I did not enjoy the baldness of John Malkovich. This baldness had ruined my Halloween plans. I was "Being John Malkovich" but since his hair (or lack of!) has gotten in the way, my plans have been kicked in the shins. Over all an A+ movie. A fiscal movie: D-. 

As for music, my ex-best friend LeDrone sent me the strangest link. It is addictive and it is upsetting. It is Tokio Hotel dress up. I don't know how to feel about this. Does anyone? Should Tokio Hotel get dressed up? Shouldn't they be writing more songs so that maybe one day they can sit next to someone who went to the Grammys? Still: they are classic. Even stiller: the main guy sounds like a girl. I don't know what to think. I don't know if I'm thinking. Maybe it's the Advil talking. 

Goodbye and good luck,

Your fiscal friend.

Here is the dress up link : http://www.stardoll.com/en/dolls/431/Tokio_Hotel.html

I'll bring the potato salad cuz it's a potluck

You want to know the deal? Well, I'll tell it to ya straight: the Grammys. The people that were nominated...well if I was hiring the performers it would have been 50+ times better. This is what the invite would have looked like:

Hello. You are invited to the Grammys. I hope you can come. It is potluck. 

There are many current/hip performers. Here I have listed them:

Tokio Hotel

Ashlee Simpson

Zac Efron 

An extra from the Broadway hit "CATS"

Bill Cosby/Bing Crosby

Vanilla Ice

Nick Lachey

Sanjaya Malakar

Tito e Tato (Dario+Roberta)

I Pquardo

This is just a sneek peek mind you. I hope you can make it. The cost is $35 worth of potato salad (I will judge them and then choose the winner by a letter in the mail). The Grammys will be O.K. Try not to show up late. I will greet you at the front. If you can't come that's ok. 

Thanks, 

Me (Director of the Grammys)

This is the best lineup ever. If the people of the Grammys would realize that they're doing it all wrong, maybe the Jonas Brothers wouldn't forget their lines. 

Katy Perry had a fruit basket explode on the stage but she just went along with it and called it her "set." If I was directing it, her set would have had cherry chapstick everywhere like in the song. Now THAT would be a spectacle. 

Now if I was running the Academy Awards it would most certainly not be a potluck. Mickey Rourke would spike the punch and Sean Penn would bring milk. Meryl Streep would doubt that I could run the show and I would say, "You know what Meryl? I really doubt you! I am sitting you next to Kramer, but I will warn you I invited his brother and they are both nominated. It will be Kramer vs. Kramer at this ceremony. It's been a long day and I just want to get back to my prairie home, companion. Just give me the quick adaptation of your speech, but ultimately you should speak to Sophie, because it's her choice who wins." 

Then she would be speechless.

With another fiscally appropriate post, bye.

Don't get tooken.

Look. I'm just hear to help you with your fiscal situation. With today's economy, most people don't know the trix of the trayde. That's where I come in. A cutting edge student showing you the ropes of life. Why me? Well sir, that's a very good question. Most people waste time with WaMu, and you know what I say to that? B.S. If you want to succeed, you need to know where you stand and who you can trust. Who can you trust? No one. 

Want to hear a story about trust? O.K.

:

Well when I was the age of about 7 I was quite the entrepreneur. My first stock was some Abercrombie & Fitch. Mostly Fitch though. I left my finances in the hands of "Doris" some called her mom, I did not because I believe that buissiness and emotional attatchment should be completely and absolutely separate. Doris was friends with a little lady named Helen. I would jokingly call her Helen of Troy but I ceased to see the loathing and judgement in her eyes.  She convinced Doris that Abercrombie and mostly Fitch was too much of a responsiblility for a 7 year old and Doris SOLD her my stock. I knew from then on that my fiscal situation would be at great loss if I continued with Doris' nonsense. 

I packed my bags and headed for a better and more illegal life in what was communist Russia. That was such a treat for me that I wish I could pack up my readers and take them with me! But alas, you guys are most likely from all over the world so this is not possible. Oh! What happened to Helen you ask? Well my dear friend she is sitting pretty in a duplex with a 3 bike garage! I sometimes video chat with her but she is a fan of the effects and I can get a harsh migraine. 

Did you like my story? I'll bet you laughed, cried, and I shall hope you did not chuckle in the least. 

I would like to leave you all with a simple thought to make you sound more intelligent: Try not to say "like" so much and instead of yelling "WHAT" say "pardon." It makes all the difference. 

"There's a message behind everything I do, and the message on this one is that young artists need to know that you gonna get tooken." (Snoop Dogg)     A thought: don't say tooken.