A Stand Up Routine

A Stand-Up Routine I wrote for the last Coffee House:

I wanted to create an exciting new segment called “Sheridan Tackles Hot Topics.” Now, the first thing that came to mind was the economy. But you know, as much as the economy thrills me, I just get too emotional and too fired up when I think about it. I will leave you with this on the issue though: “It ain’t good.” Now I also thought of the Tiger Woods scandal. Now, people are saying things like the sport of golf is officially dead if Tiger doesn’t play, but you know, I don’t really think that’s true. See, the man who plays golf is distinguished and admires every aspect of life. He wakes up in the morning and goes to his closet and admires the pastel polo hanging in his closet and the crisp khakis beckoning to him. The golfing man goes out of his house and takes a whiff of the morning air and feels invigorated! Then he calls his balding friends and they all go out to the golf course. Ah, a day on the course! Now, I personally don’t think I could ever maintain the golfing lifestyle because I’m too nuts for it. For example, you couldn’t ever give me a caddy to carry my things around because I think I would just have a hard time distinguishing the difference between caddy and personal slave. I would most likely re-name him. Chives has always been a favorite name. And all the men at the club would say witty things like “Ah, yes here comes Sheridan Pierce Esquire, followed by young Chives.” (If you're wondering, I'm not planning on being a lawyer, I just think Esquire makes me sound older.)

When Tiger Woods would get angry at a mistake he made, there would always be a really emotional and angry reaction. But for some reason when I think of any other golfer I can only imagine three reactions: “This sport will drive me to the drinks!” , “There goes the ol’ hip again!” and my personal favorite the long sigh and the bitter comment. Sigghhhh “Life’s too short for mistakes.” Now I have this theory. The distinguished male golfer will either take his food “dry” or “black.” He’ll say mature things like “I’ll take my coffee black.” Or “I want the bread toasted dry.” Or “I’ll have the capers on the side.” And you know why they say it? They’re distinguished, they’re rugged, and they have a hint of bitterness. It sounds like George Clooney. In fact, I’m sure George Clooney says all those phrases all the time. “I’m George Clooney, and I’ll take my capers on the side.” Chiseled. See, those things feel generational to me. The golfer would start of a conversation with a firm hand shake. There's no gesture quite as classy: it lets the other person know that you mean business.

But if there’s one thing that I don’t like about golf it’s the weird and uncomfortable jokes and quotes that are a part of the lifestlye. For example, Arnold Palmer once said “I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone's golf game: it's called an eraser.” Yeah says the man who is also a beverage. I’ve always wondered if it’s awkward for people who have a drink named after them to order their own drink. That must be even more humiliating than those times when you’re ordering something off a menu that’s really embarrassing to say. “I’ll have the super mega awesome burger.” “so you want the burger?” “…Yeah.” Ordering is just a really personal thing though. I doubt my old golf friends would have those kinds of problems ordering. Then again they would be more mature and have mature things like jobs and arthritis. Well hey, arthiritis is nothing to laugh about, but the side effects of the medicine that treats it are! Have you ever noticed whenever there are commercials for medicine there are always really terrible side affects? “Don’t take if you are pregnant, have liver problems, hip problems, or heart problems. Also do not take if you are under 12 years old or over 60 years old. This may also result in unstoppable and/or uncontrollable bleeding. If you feel like you might get a hear attack in the future, you probably should not take this medicine. You can if you want; we’re just not going to suggest it. We just want you to buy this medicine, but at the same time we don’t want to get caught up in a lawsuit.” And then the commercial ends with a girl paddling a canoe acting like nothing just happened. I’m sitting traumatized on my couch and that girl has the nerve to paddle her canoe. No, if she took that medicine then she is lucky to be alive, okay. Once I saw Joan Rivers speak and she said "laugh at everything." I laughed at that. Well actually, I thought of about 1,000 things that would be really inappropriate and in poor taste to laugh at. But thanks for the challenge.

I can't wrap my head around all the contradictions (and strangeness) I see around me. Tiger is more of a dog and Arnold Palmer isn't just a golfer anymore, now he's immortalized by a lemonade/tea fusion drink instead of his actual ability. It sounds more like an Ionesco play than current topics. What a world we live in.

By Sheridan Pierce

What do Shamwow and Daoism have in common?

So many things have happened! Some fiscal some not. One of the non-fiscal items on my menu today is perhaps the biggest news ever in life. But we shall get to that later. First off I must say that we have a new president. That's right folks. I was very confused as I watched the inauguration because I saw Mr. Obama and that very bland man holding their hands up and I could not help and think: "When are they going to high five?" They never did "high five" and to be honest I was disappointed. But my good friend soon explained to me that he was "oathin' it up." I felt quite silly then and I made a nervous laugh.

But on to why you're here: your fiscal situation. WaMu is a scam. Wells Fargo is better. Your best bet is keeping money under your mattress. If you live in the woods like I do (I'm a proud Daoist!) you are often running from forest fires or wolves or wild jackals and you forget to get your money. My life savings has been lost 17 times this way. But you know what, it really is worth it. When you see the hungry look in that jackal's eyes, you can't help but think: "Wow. I could be looking into the dead and cold eyes of a WaMu employee. This jackal is my ol' college room-mate compared to them!" Even though the neighborhood kids think I'm an ol' Boo Radley, I tell them that their lemonade stands are not going to get them anywhere fiscally, so I take (or rather seize!) the lemonade and I drink it all!

Ah, yes! The most important news ever in life:

The Shamwow guy is getting married. O.M.G.

I was watching Leno and this card named Jimmy Fallon (He did a movie with Latifah)

said that Mr. Terrence L. Shamwow is getting married.

This is fiscally inappropriate. The Shamwow business is booming now... but really?

He cannot fiscally support his wife.

No. No. No.

I am appalled.

I'm just here to help you with your fiscal situation.

My Fiesta Day

Today is fiesta day. If you are confused at what I mean by this, it's o.k. Fiesta day is everything that other days are not. It is the day for possibilities, the day for social experiments : the day for salsa and slang. Oh hey? What do you mean by salsa? That sounds exotic? What does it look like? I'll save you the 10 seconds of your life searching for salsa on wikipedia and spare you a picture:

Just my pet Alfo (Alfonso) enjoying salsa. LOL what a tool!

But really fiesta day is my life. I also like to use "slang" on this blessed day as well. I will use some in a paragraph for you:

Today I was with my tool Alfo, and he dared to call me an arsewipe. Then I told that schwine that that's bollocks and he's just upset and he's talking out of his wazoo. Then I looked back and saw him light my pad on fire. WIZARD! Yampy old bastard. Damn commie.

This is based on a true story. Even though Alfo is the biggest crack-whore in the world, I guess he's still my cuz in the end. 

Overall, it's been a great fiesta day. I hope you participate as well.

Catch you on the flip side, I suppose.

An Oddity Named Destino. And an Odd Liza Minnelli.

Sometimes I see movies that bring a tear to my eye. But sometimes not. Cinema is not what it used to be, but now it's even better with artistic films like the Hannah Montana movie. Miley (or rather Hannah) has a 67 year old boyfriend and she is starting to resemble a young Liza Minnelli. I have photographic evidence:

A 15 year-old Miley

A young Liza Minnelli

It's pictures like this that really make me want to give her a knuckle sand*which. 

Since we're on the subject of Disney cracktors and visionaries here, let's talk about ol' Wally Disney's company. Who in their right mind would release a "classic" like "the Country Bears," but not release a short that the artist, Salvador Dali, made for Walt himself?

It's no lie. I was at the LACMA a bit ago at the Salvador Dali exhibit and came across an oddity. An oddity named Destino. Dali made the short "Destino" for Disney, but it was never released because Disney didn't "have the money." I get being fiscal, but that's just ridic.  Only now has Disney released it, but still, the popularity and attention is not all there.

He was probably too busy building himself a theme park. But the fact of the matter is: I am bringing the short to light!

DESTINO!

Authors are nuts

Hello. I saw something the other day that perturbed me. A LOT. Here it is: Friedrich Nietzsche one said, "Man is the cruelest animal." ohh puhhlleeeezzz. I think Mr. Nietzsche is terribly mistaken. He said: animals, when he really meant: MAMMALS. He commonly forgot that men come from the species: Mammalia, but it's a pretty terrible mistake. By :cruelest, one can infer that he probably meant to say: COOLEST. "Man is the coolest of mammals." That's what the quote should read. 

Now I know what you're thinking: what does this have to do with being fiscal?

Well: everything and nothing. 

Friedrich Nietzche was a nutzo so he probably wasn't frugal. He got his produce from the market instead of the sie of the road. But hey Nietzche: Izz all good in da hood.

Henry David Thoreau once said: "Do not hire a man who does your work for money, but him who does it for love of it."

Mr. Thoreau was OBVIOUSLY never the bread winner. He cared about happiness more than fiscalaciousness. dayum straight.

I see where these people come from, but in the end I have to disagree.

The Bear Market + Sinatra

Hello. Spring is in the air, the birds are squaking, the flowers are in full bloom...

AND THE STOCK MARKET IS OUTTA THIS WORLD!

The subject of the stock market is a sore one, but it is one that must be addressed. Dow Jones can rot for all I care, but S&P 500 is sure to make a come-back. Why? Well why not. In 2007 the company was the cause of the second bear market of the 21st century. For those of you who don't know, the bear market is when a man (or rather bear!) named Madoff robs you of everything including your spouse. For some the

 spouse robbery is not a problem. I'm pretty darn sure that Maury Povich is counting the days until the next bear market so he can be rid of that horrible Connie Chung. 

On a different note: Frank Sinatra.

I have noticed in my travels that Frank Sinatra has eaten just about everywhere in the New York City area. He is the only person that New Yorkers care about. I saw in a pizza shoppe a sign that said Frank Sinatra ate there, and then a picture of Vanilla Ice at the same restaurant.

I have kept a tally of how many restaurants celebrities have been to:

Sinatra: 9,000

Vanilla Ice: 1

Carrot Top: N/A

Tokio Hotel: I can't count in German 

Obviously these are the only celebrities that matter in the world. 

I bet Frank Sinatra never had to pull out his Zagat, he just went wherever the wind took him. If Zagat and WaMu ever teamed up, well let's just say Mayor Villaraigosa would have his hands full.

Sometimes I just feel like this guy------------------------------> 

What does this mean?

Concerned,

Your Fiscal Friend

The Black Plague and My Old Friend

Hello my fiscal friends! Sometimes I like to play jokes on friends. Sometimes I don't. I am quite gullible and my mishaps do make me the talk of the message boards. For example, I once tricked my friend Gerard into thinking I had the Bubonic Plague! See, Gerard warned me about petting the squirrels in the park and feeding them the remnants of my parfait, but of course I never paid attention to this. He started hyperventilating and I sighed. I said, "Oh Gerard, first you were cursed by being named Gerard and now you are a hyperventilating freak." Turns out I did have the Bubonic Plague, I just have a FAB immune system, but nonetheless, Gerard caught it too. Gerard was gone later that week. I suspect this is what happened of course, because I don't see why Gerard would stop talking to me and have his apartment cleaned out. I reminisce about Gerard a lot and hope that his Bubonic death was a thrill for him. One day as we were on our scooters, he told me a secret. I am ready to share this secret with the world. This is the secret: he only used me for my fiscality. I was appalled, but I told him, "We are friends through and through." 

Many people use me for my fiscality. If you are reading this, you are arrested for this crime as well. I may be fiscal, but that does not mean I'm flippin' out about the economy all the time. Sometimes I like to go to my local Ben & Jerry's or put a bit more granola on my parfait, you know, "livin' it up." This apparently is the reason I was rejected from spots for editorial writing at Forbes, The New Yorker, and the New Yolker. The New Yolker was a magazine for the fiscal farmer and since I grew up in the grasslands of northern Russia, I was confident I would land the job. I would yolk and yolk and yolk. I had to pay 50 rubles to get to this stinkin' land so I could write for the New Yolker. Now my dreams are crushed. But ya know what? I wouldn't have it any other way.