I wanted to create an exciting new segment called “Sheridan Tackles Hot Topics.” Now, the first thing that came to mind was the economy. But you know, as much as the economy thrills me, I just get too emotional and too fired up when I think about it. I will leave you with this on the issue though: “It ain’t good.” Now I also thought of the Tiger Woods scandal. Now, people are saying things like the sport of golf is officially dead if Tiger doesn’t play, but you know, I don’t really think that’s true. See, the man who plays golf is distinguished and admires every aspect of life. He wakes up in the morning and goes to his closet and admires the pastel polo hanging in his closet and the crisp khakis beckoning to him. The golfing man goes out of his house and takes a whiff of the morning air and feels invigorated! Then he calls his balding friends and they all go out to the golf course. Ah, a day on the course! Now, I personally don’t think I could ever maintain the golfing lifestyle because I’m too nuts for it. For example, you couldn’t ever give me a caddy to carry my things around because I think I would just have a hard time distinguishing the difference between caddy and personal slave. I would most likely re-name him. Chives has always been a favorite name. And all the men at the club would say witty things like “Ah, yes here comes Sheridan Pierce Esquire, followed by young Chives.” (If you're wondering, I'm not planning on being a lawyer, I just think Esquire makes me sound older.)
When Tiger Woods would get angry at a mistake he made, there would always be a really emotional and angry reaction. But for some reason when I think of any other golfer I can only imagine three reactions: “This sport will drive me to the drinks!” , “There goes the ol’ hip again!” and my personal favorite the long sigh and the bitter comment. Sigghhhh “Life’s too short for mistakes.” Now I have this theory. The distinguished male golfer will either take his food “dry” or “black.” He’ll say mature things like “I’ll take my coffee black.” Or “I want the bread toasted dry.” Or “I’ll have the capers on the side.” And you know why they say it? They’re distinguished, they’re rugged, and they have a hint of bitterness. It sounds like George Clooney. In fact, I’m sure George Clooney says all those phrases all the time. “I’m George Clooney, and I’ll take my capers on the side.” Chiseled. See, those things feel generational to me. The golfer would start of a conversation with a firm hand shake. There's no gesture quite as classy: it lets the other person know that you mean business.
But if there’s one thing that I don’t like about golf it’s the weird and uncomfortable jokes and quotes that are a part of the lifestlye. For example, Arnold Palmer once said “I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone's golf game: it's called an eraser.” Yeah says the man who is also a beverage. I’ve always wondered if it’s awkward for people who have a drink named after them to order their own drink. That must be even more humiliating than those times when you’re ordering something off a menu that’s really embarrassing to say. “I’ll have the super mega awesome burger.” “so you want the burger?” “…Yeah.” Ordering is just a really personal thing though. I doubt my old golf friends would have those kinds of problems ordering. Then again they would be more mature and have mature things like jobs and arthritis. Well hey, arthiritis is nothing to laugh about, but the side effects of the medicine that treats it are! Have you ever noticed whenever there are commercials for medicine there are always really terrible side affects? “Don’t take if you are pregnant, have liver problems, hip problems, or heart problems. Also do not take if you are under 12 years old or over 60 years old. This may also result in unstoppable and/or uncontrollable bleeding. If you feel like you might get a hear attack in the future, you probably should not take this medicine. You can if you want; we’re just not going to suggest it. We just want you to buy this medicine, but at the same time we don’t want to get caught up in a lawsuit.” And then the commercial ends with a girl paddling a canoe acting like nothing just happened. I’m sitting traumatized on my couch and that girl has the nerve to paddle her canoe. No, if she took that medicine then she is lucky to be alive, okay. Once I saw Joan Rivers speak and she said "laugh at everything." I laughed at that. Well actually, I thought of about 1,000 things that would be really inappropriate and in poor taste to laugh at. But thanks for the challenge.
I can't wrap my head around all the contradictions (and strangeness) I see around me. Tiger is more of a dog and Arnold Palmer isn't just a golfer anymore, now he's immortalized by a lemonade/tea fusion drink instead of his actual ability. It sounds more like an Ionesco play than current topics. What a world we live in.
By Sheridan Pierce
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